- When you’re a FBI agent, there are always one or two cases per year that will hit way to close to home and you’ll get too personally involved. Recognize the signs and step back. Don’t be reckless, that’s how your partner gets shot.
- When you open a closet door, draw the shower curtain back, take garbage out to the bins or retrieve your ball from the bushes, mentally prepare yourself to discover a dead body. Those are the most common dump sites.
- If you hear a noise while you’re home alone, it is a serial killer. If a door to your house is open or unlocked when you distinctly remember locking it, it is a serial killer. If someone comes to the door and you’re not expecting company, it is a serial killer. Should I continue or do you get where I’m going with this?
- When there is a famous guest star, they are always guilty. So it stands to reason that should you see a celebrity on the street, run. They are mostly likely about to murder you.
- Don’t trust anyone. Not even children (almost especially children) and old people.
- Women serial killers rarely kill other women, so ladies can take some comfort in that. Unless they want to drug you and make you into a human doll. But that’s not a common profile.
- Do not make eye contact. Ever. It can easily be mistaken for “a connection” with you and when you fervently deny said connection, you will be murdered.
- Never go to the second location.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go check that my doors are locked. For the third time.
